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"How glorious it is, and also how painful, to be an exception."

~Alfred De Musset~

"You must realize that something is happening to you, that life has not forgotten you, that it holds you in its hand and will not let you fall."

~Rainer Maria Rilke~

"Pain and suffering are always inevitable for a large intelligence and a deep heart. The really great men must, I think, have great sadness on earth."

~Fyodor Dostoevsky ~

There are things that are
too big
for us people.
Pain, loneliness, death,
but also beauty, eminence and happiness.
Because of this,
we have created religion.
What happens when we lose that?
Those things are still too big for us.
What stays with us,
is the poetry of our individual lives.
Is that strong enough,
to carry us?

Due to intimacy,
we are attached to each other.
The connection is compelling:
she requires exclusivity.
Sharing is betraying.

When others abstain us from their
devotion, respect and admission,
why can't we just say to them:
I don't need all of that,
i have myself.
Isn't it an horrible form of un-freedom,
that we can't do that?
Doesn't it makes us slaves to the others?
Which feelings can you insert against it,
as barrier, as bastion?
Of which nature should the
inner freedom be?

Life extension is also associated with the potential problem of overpopulation. Leon Kass (chairman of the US President's Council on Bioethics from 2001 to 2005) has exemplified the anti-life extension view[23]. He states his hostility to life extension with the words:

"simply to covet a prolonged life span for ourselves is both a sign and a cause of our failure to open ourselves to procreation and to any higher purpose. … [The] desire to prolong youthfulness is not only a childish desire to eat one’s life and keep it; it is also an expression of a childish and narcissistic wish incompatible with devotion to posterity."[24]

Storage is what you have become

The time will come
when, with elation,
you will greet yourself arriving
at your own door, in your mirror,
and each will smile at the other’s welcome,

and say, sit here. Eat.
You will love again the stranger who was your self.
Give wine. Give bread. Give back your heart
to itself, to the stranger who has loved you

all your life, whom you ignored
for another, who knows you by heart.
Take down the love letters from the bookshelf,

the photographs, the desperate notes,
peel your own image from the mirror.
Sit. Feast on your life.

-Derek Walcott


She was a wiccan. But more than a wiccan, she was honest. She would say things that felt premature, not ready, but said them like: you’re not much of a stockbroker, are you. and, why don’t you fall in love with someone you really love and stop using your life as an excuse to be sad. it was startling really, but everyone wanted her at a party, reading the smidge of leaves at the bottom of a cup. Sometimes, there would be moments of inopportune grace: He loves you more than you imagine, clouds couldn’t stop his army galloping to your rescue. things like that. one day a girl burst out crying and i saw her lay a pale, spidery hand on her shoulder. There was a lamp spilling between them like honey. Sarah, she said, sarah, you deserve what you wish and hope for. Stop trying to make it not so.

I vow to combat such a statement.



“The dread of loneliness is greater than the fear of bondage, so we get married.”
Cyril Connolly

This is what you shall do: Love the earth and sun and the animals, despise riches, give alms to every one that asks, stand up for the stupid and crazy, devote your income and labor to others, hate tyrants, argue not concerning God, have patience and indulgence toward the people, take off your hat to nothing known or unknown or to any man or number of men, go freely with powerful uneducated persons and with the young and with the mothers of families, read these leaves in the open air every season of every year of your life, re-examine all you have been told at school or church or in any book, dismiss whatever insults your own soul, and your very flesh shall be a great poem and have the richest fluency not only in its words but in the silent lines of its lips and face and between the lashes of your eyes and in every motion and joint of your body...

Ironic, but mostly unfair.

The most mature relationship I've ever had,
is with someone who lives what seems to me an abysmal distance away
in time and miles.

7 weeks is a cursed amount of time.

Discontent, overwhelmed yet understimulated...and now we can add whiney bitch to the list. It's going to be a long year.


"It's heaven"
"Then it looks like everyone has got it all wrong, only gays and thier dogs get to heaven."
"We are in a snowglobe"
"...and athiests it seems"

fuck scientology

me, rosalie, nathan, and austin were in photography class and we were suppossed to be shooting in chinatown, but somehow the conversation steered from man vs. wild, to south park to scientology and we got what we thought was a great idea.

we hiked up to taylor st. through the most 'mountaineous' route, and found the church that rosalie saw.

basically a lady with very sharp teeth greeted us and made us watch a video full of superflous information (read us our scientology unALIENable rights...coincidence i think not) while she grabbed 'the tests'
we took what was just basically a very long strangely worded personality quiz.




she gave us a copy.

26. Is your life a constant struggle for survival?
(wtf?)

59. Do you consider the modern "prisons without bars" doomed to failure?
(no seriously what does that even mean?)

68. Do you enjoy activities of your own choosing?
(!@#$???)

92. Are you a slow eater?
(why is this even valid?)


they grabbed us individually and showed us the results on a chart.

first she showed me the points on the graph that fell under the unacceptable state. proceded to point out things on the graph that she thought were flaws... i just consider them personality atributes.

(reclusiveness, critical, unstable and dispersed thought)
and then tried to tell me that scientology could help me.

i wouldn't even consider it a religion. its just a giant costly self help course.

i was actually kind of disapointed at theier normalness, besides the vampire-esque lady that greeted us they were just like all the other brain washed religious people i know.

well i can now say as an educated person that scientology is a joke.

today was thoroughly entertaining.

Each king in a deck of playing cards represents a great king from history. Spades - King David, Clubs - Alexander the Great, Hearts - Charlemagne, and Diamonds - Julius Caesar.

If a statue in the park of a person on a horse has both front legs in the air, the person died in battle; if the horse has one front leg in the air, the person died as a result of wounds received in battle; if the horse has all four legs on the ground, the person died of natural causes.

good to know

Pensive, meditative, reflective suggest quiet modes of apparent or real thought. Pensive, the weakest of the three, suggests dreaminess or wistfulness, and may involve little or no thought to any purpose: a pensive, faraway look. Meditative involves thinking of certain facts or phenomena, perhaps in the religious sense of “contemplation,” without necessarily having a goal of complete understanding or of action: meditative but unjudicial. Reflective has a strong implication of orderly, perhaps analytic, processes of thought, usually with a definite goal of understanding: a careful and reflective critic.

the room was filled with conversations we weren't having.
-extremely loud and incredibly close

transparent attempted sincerity

we're intertwined, yet distant
as you breathe out and kiss me
the taste of hotel mints attempting to cover your cigar fills

misleading substance
solely sensory pleasure
this feeling keeps my mind from falling to the future

metaphysics
appearance and reality
what is? and what is what i want it to be?

if i could exist only my own apperception
i could be fully sane
and would come to realize
your comparable to a relationship with the weather
surely fleeting and unsure of itself

You know, he's holding you down with the tips of his fingers
just the same
Will you be pulled from the ocean
but just a minute too late
Or changed by a potion
and find a handsome young mate for you to love.
-the shins

covenant to self
i will not settle for someone who doesnt...
-see me diffrently
-empower me
-have expectations and goals for themself


and in the mean time my official new years resolution since i havent exactly wrote it down yet is:
A(practical): learn how to cook thai food
B(self): reaccess my goals and motivate myself. discover my true values and live by them. desubmerge myself in popculture and other petty things. progress artistically every week. become completely comfortable as an independant.

pragmatism vs. romantasism

i dont know how to start this, and would not like to waste time explaining it. im already ahead of myself trying to think of 7 and i must write them down before they slip away.

1. at almost seventeen, im very confused as to where i stand religiously. secular ideas and my romantic belief in something higher are almost equally balanced, although i do know where the scale is headed. even in the previous sentence as a describe higher belief as 'romanitic' i can feel the scales tipping. a year ago maybe two years i would have said God without hesitation, but now i have absolutlely no faith in the organizied religion Christianity. some of this has come from the fact that it has been heavily pushed on me most of my life (and i know some people would say the same, but i would like to belive that i have more reason then most) and i did, i ate it up for the first half. then however pragmatism kicked in and i began to see things diffrently. i also have drawn many lines from people i dont respect, back to Christianity. people who i dont let become more then aquaintences, athority figures, republicans who warp peoples minds by regurgitating back onto them scripture, that the people can not even quote back themselves, but sadly they absorb it. religion in my eyes in some ways is an added handle another way for someone to take advantage of them. however i have not become uninterested in other religion, in fact it has made me far more curious, and has revealed how little i know about other religions. i spent this winter break reading a few books, one of which being Religious Literacy by Stephen Prethero (for the most part engaging and informative). for now i think i do belive in a higher power, it was explained to me this way: you can trace backwards pretty far, as far back as two atoms, some lightning, and an expanse of space. but at some point you have to stop. where did the atoms come from? what about the lightning? what is this expanse? where did it come from? what is life? love?
i think to live as moral of a life as i can, is the best i can do and not to worry about after, later, ending.




after writing one my brain is still buzzing, but i think i would like to do this in sections. i enjoy writing and i enjoy learning about myself as i write. there is just one but i rambled, and i have a feeling i will ramble and would like to ramble about the rest.


-thank you matt

i absolutely love learning about myslef, as wierd as that sounds. >>>Right brain dominant individuals are more visual and intuitive. They are better at summarizing multiple points, picking up on what's not said, visualizing things, and making things up. They can lack attention to detail, directness, organization, and the ability to explain their ideas verbally, leaving them unable to communicate effectively.

Right Brain

80%
Left Brain

32%

Cheese is milk's leap towards immortality. -Clifton Fadiman

stance

pools of her own soul
balenced in collar bone canyons
prepared to brim over at the slightest curve of posture
backbone held by twisted threads
barbed wire of the social order
pulled forward and upward
where from here?
shes not so sure yet, but shes not moving till she does

i dont think ive ever read more in my life. another day locked in the barnes and noble, :) and before i noticed 4 hours had gone by. my mom becoming a librarian is really having an effect on me, im becoming such a geek. i dont really mind though.

still to read ->

i might as well enjoy the stereotype as its sticking, i need new glasses. i admit to losing my nice new pair yet am not sure as how to break this to my parents.

i love this picture
i want to learn how to read hands

click click click

i want a new camera that i can do more with. i bought a nice digital one over christmas but i was thinking one of these or a polaroid one off ebay.
oh by the way anyone know how much polaroid film costs normaly?




Holga Camera by Lomography $70.00

The Holga, a lightweight super-simple plastic camera, complete with plastic lens, was developed in 1982 as a cheap, knock-a-round camera, and has since been adopted around the world as a cult favorite for its unpredictable effects, like blurred edges, other-worldly colors and light leaks. Perfect for random point-n-shoot action or intense experimentation.

Color Splash Camera by Lomography $75.00

Seriously easy to use point and shoot camera, with long exposure capability and patented color wheel system to shade your photos, plus 9 extra color filters that you can mix and match. Uses normal 35mm film and processing; includes carrying bag.

Actionsampler Camera By Lomography $60.00

We know you live a life of nonstop action. Capture it all with the Actionsampler, which takes 4 continuous mini shots in rapid fire (all on the same photo). Includes a built-in flash that can be set to go off with all 4 shots.

EDIT

i ended up getting this camera (Nikon N55) for my photojournalism class and i loveeee it.